Ugh. Feelings. I’m not a huge fan. Feelings are confusing. And my feelings about and because of farming are vast and varied. Then you have to add other people and their feelings to the mix. Relationships are hard because all of a sudden it’s not just your feelings you have to worry about. A workplace can become toxic real fast thanks to hurt feelings that aren’t acknowledged or expressed. And for some reason, in 2025, with all the ways we have to communicate, most of us still can’t and don’t effectively communicate our feelings.
That’s especially true of hurt feelings. I’m afraid that feelings are ruining family farms. We’ve all heard the stories of farms and farm families being ripped apart for seemingly no reason. There are sons or daughters who have worked for years on the farm with their parents only to have them sell the farm out from underneath them with no warning. How do you get there? I’m convinced that a lot of it stems from hurt feelings.
One day, maybe a decade or more ago, someone’s feelings were hurt and no one else knew. And that person didn’t say anything, and it festered until they could barely stand to be in the same room as the other person and everything that person does is annoying and awful. In my nearly 40 years, I’ve learned that mole hills can quickly turn into mountains when it comes to hurt feelings. I’ve done it, I’ve felt it, I’ve lived it, and I’ve corrected it. For me, it mostly came down to one stupid, maybe the stupidest, emotion. Pride. I was so busy needing to be right that I couldn’t see my pride was hurting someone I cared about. Me needing to be right and needing the acknowledgment of my “rightness” was making them feel dumb, and I didn’t see it. This came across as me not caring until we became openly hostile toward each other.
I’m writing this because I think farmers being perceived as “tough” has backfired in more ways than one. Being tough doesn’t mean not having feelings. It doesn’t mean never feeling hurt. It doesn’t mean you never have to apologize or consider how we act toward those around us. How many memes have you seen about how tough farm wives are because they sort cows with their farmer? We all laugh and keep scrolling right? Maybe we shouldn’t. Maybe, every once in a while, after we yell at them to get their heads out of another part of their body and the cow is finally on the trailer, we just turn around and say a quick, “Sorry, that cow is the worst.” It’s not a mushy love song, but it acknowledges a shared bad experience and proves that you’re aware you were being a jerk in the moment.
As someone who has and is actively worked on this, it’s not easy. I’m still not great at it, but I’m making an effort. Making an effort to make the people you see and work with everyday feel better is worth the effort.
The author dairies in partnership with her parents and brother at Spruce Row Farm in Pennsylvania. Jessica is a graduate of Pennsylvania State University, and since 2015, she has been active in promoting dairy in her local community. You can find her and her 250 Jersey cows on Facebook at Spruce Row Dairy or on Instagram at @seejessfarm.
